Healing Exposure

"Healing Exposure” > February 23, 2015

               

                It´s an interesting feeling I have growing inside – a desperate need to no longer hide.
                For so long I thought that I shouldn´t be seen. I felt the need to hide a no-longer existing feign.
                Long ago I let her go, but she still haunts me. The very fact that I covered her back gave her the right to taunt me.
              I never wanted to speak out loud ´cause I didn´t want her to be real. I never let my demons out and my insides became their meal.

                Yet I realized that defeat is about exposure. It´s just the same as how healing is all about closure.
                I´m not saying that I need to speak in order to be healed, but moving on with life is a completely different deal.
                It´s like leaving it behind is to stop acting like it´s here. 

Phoenix

“Phoenix” > November 10, 2014

                A little girl doomed to strife – the bird caught between fire and life. The fire that tries to take her away and the Life that comes to take her place.

                Who ever thought it´d come to this? Suffering in order to get to bliss; the beauty of fire in its flaming wisps.
                With ashes glowing as the embers burn and Life reclaiming what was death´s turn – she rises from the fire.
                The raging death that she so needed to find that which was impeded by her sweet captivity – who knew that death by its own self would be cheated?

                It´s not easy being the one who´s burned – the orphan girl overly spurned. The one who survived the fire and avoided by this world being sired – she comes out crystal clean – only heat brings out gold´s true gleam.

                The bird that flies out in the night and shines bright in glory´s light as she finally gets free – the moment with Cinderella finally crowned queen. 

PS: this is conformed of all the different meaning of the name Ashley

True Victory

"True Victory” > September 14, 2014

                I never thought I´d get so far – so confused and torn apart. Divided inside my own self between what I want and needing help. Yet finally finding my way out it makes me want to scream or shout to tell everyone what I feel and let them know that I am real.

                I no longer wish to hide who and what I am, but there are always those that will never understand – everyone wants the war to end but are never really willing to work on their end. They too have trouble handing in their sin. All they really want is to claim another ´win´.

                No one can change me, for neither could I, but I´ve learned to accept that doesn´t mean I´ve died. I´ve learned to accept that my life will be a fight.
                I can lift my head up knowing that I try. 

Why I´m starting a blog...

           This is about moving on. All my life I had the tendency to suffer in silence. Everything I went through in life I would go through it on my own. It´s the misgiving of suffering in silence – not only do you suffer, but you are all alone. Moving on for me is about finally speaking. It´s about no longer having to hide who I was. I never wanted anyone to know who I was because I felt like it would give them the right to judge who I am. So I suffered for years in total silence with my depression, addiction to porn and masturbation, sexuality, and demonic voices inside my head. I lived in terror of my past that it would come back when I was least expecting it and bite me in the ass. The truth is that the only person who was really misjudging me was me. I was a beautiful living mask with no mouth. My deep, dark issues were inside of me, and that made me feel even worse. I felt like I was the problem so I never spoke. I thought that I would be able to overcome it all and then maybe one day I would share my testimony with everyone, but not until I was 100% better. That prevented me from even asking for help. At one point people could see something was very wrong, but even then I never was completely honest. It was not until I began to be honest with myself and with God that I could be honest enough with an actual person in order to receive help.
                Now, I don´t want speaking to be about me and my past mistakes or any of those types of negative things, but I want it to be about something else. I want it to be like some kind of proof. Proof that miracles do exist and that people do change. Sometimes as a missionary people see what you are and are amazed at that, but honestly I am just like everybody else. Who we´ve become isn´t really that interesting if we can´t see the big picture, if we don´t see where we´ve come from – where God has taken us from. Speaking is about not being so selfish and proud that I can´t share what God has done in my life.
             I am a writer. I write tons of poetry and that´s how you really can get to know what goes on inside of me and what went on inside of me all those years ago. This year I am beginning a writing project, a few actually. So I figured that this is a good way to begin. A lot of South Americans have heard at least parts of my testimony, but I also want to share with those at home and people from my country – you were part of the process.