This is about moving on. All my life I had the tendency to
suffer in silence. Everything I went through in life I would go through it on
my own. It´s the misgiving of suffering in silence – not only do you suffer,
but you are all alone. Moving on for me is
about finally speaking. It´s about no longer having to hide who I was. I
never wanted anyone to know who I was because I felt like it would give them
the right to judge who I am. So I suffered for years in total silence with my
depression, addiction to porn and masturbation, sexuality, and demonic voices
inside my head. I lived in terror of my past that it would come back when I was
least expecting it and bite me in the ass. The truth is that the only person
who was really misjudging me was me. I was a beautiful living mask with no
mouth. My deep, dark issues were inside of me, and that made me feel even
worse. I felt like I was the problem so I never spoke. I thought that I would
be able to overcome it all and then maybe one day I would share my testimony
with everyone, but not until I was 100% better. That prevented me from even
asking for help. At one point people could see something was very wrong, but
even then I never was completely honest. It was not until I began to be honest
with myself and with God that I could be honest enough with an actual person in
order to receive help.
Now, I don´t want speaking to be about me and my past mistakes or any of those types of negative things, but I want it to be about something else. I want it to be like some kind of proof. Proof that miracles do exist and that people do change. Sometimes as a missionary people see what you are and are amazed at that, but honestly I am just like everybody else. Who we´ve become isn´t really that interesting if we can´t see the big picture, if we don´t see where we´ve come from – where God has taken us from. Speaking is about not being so selfish and proud that I can´t share what God has done in my life.
I am a writer. I write tons of poetry and that´s how you really can get to know what goes on inside of me and what went on inside of me all those years ago. This year I am beginning a writing project, a few actually. So I figured that this is a good way to begin. A lot of South Americans have heard at least parts of my testimony, but I also want to share with those at home and people from my country – you were part of the process.
Now, I don´t want speaking to be about me and my past mistakes or any of those types of negative things, but I want it to be about something else. I want it to be like some kind of proof. Proof that miracles do exist and that people do change. Sometimes as a missionary people see what you are and are amazed at that, but honestly I am just like everybody else. Who we´ve become isn´t really that interesting if we can´t see the big picture, if we don´t see where we´ve come from – where God has taken us from. Speaking is about not being so selfish and proud that I can´t share what God has done in my life.
I am a writer. I write tons of poetry and that´s how you really can get to know what goes on inside of me and what went on inside of me all those years ago. This year I am beginning a writing project, a few actually. So I figured that this is a good way to begin. A lot of South Americans have heard at least parts of my testimony, but I also want to share with those at home and people from my country – you were part of the process.
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