Speak

               This is your classic love story in all its cheesy glory about how I found someone who was absolutely perfect for me, and I think anyone can relate to the feeling of accidentally falling for one of their friends. It´s the best and worst sensation to have that, in a way, can be compared to being torn in half. And even though they probably won´t return the sentiment – and they usually don´t – we find the suffering worth it just in order to be close.
                That person that understands you by simply looking in your eyes and in silent communication you wink in reply. I never thought that anyone would ever think like me, yet this special person never judged me as a freak. I never felt more special than when we were together and we seemed like so much more than simple birds of a feather. Even if I felt like I was dying that person would show up and I suddenly felt like my insides were flying. When their soul cried, so did mine; and I needed their voice just in order to smile.
                For the very first time someone had come into my life and finally made me feel like I was worth something. They took all my pain away as they sung the night into day and I slept safely in their arms – the one and only place where I felt like nothing could go wrong.

              

                So how do I explain to you that even though this connection seemed to be sent from above that I was never meant to fall in love? You see this story changes with just one simple word – the person that made me feel on top of the world just so happened to be a girl.
                She never seduced me and never used me; she was just my straight best friend who had no idea what she was doing, and to make it even worse she was actually godly. Even though I had never touched her body I had become addicted to the way she loved me.
                So, now you got all your “holy” Christians  that say, “all got to do is decide” and “it´ll get better if you just give it time;” but what they don´t realize is that they´re taking away your reason to be alive. Would you want to give up what I just described?
                Then you got your L-G-B-T who say that I can´t possibly change. Old Bruce Jenner can become Cait, but for some odd reason I just can´t be straight. Would you actually let me choose if you don´t like what I have to say?
                So this is my message to all of you who fight over me as if I weren´t in the room. One of you has to accept that this is the hardest decision that anyone has ever had to make and the other has to accept that I simply don´t want to live this way. You see, I know that I wasn´t born gay, but I also understand that for reasons outside of the grasps of my hands God didn´t stop me from feeling this way.
                I´m not denying that what I felt was absolutely amazing, but there has to be more to life than just some uncontrollable craving, and what´s even more amazing about Christ is that I´ve come to love Him more than my own life. What I longed for was never sexual or dirty and it is such a lie that every single one of us is perverted. Even so, it was still unhealthy because, in the end, all my selflessness was actually pure selfishness. Like, “giving up everything and all for love,” but you ain´t giving up much if you´re getting what you really wanted.

                
              Now, I´m no advocate, and I´m not trying to start a debate; but there are things on my heart that I just have to state.
              To all of you were just like me, I´m not gonna lie to you: this is not easy. You know how it feels so I don´t have to explain it – wanting to hold on so tight so nobody can take ´em. The sensation that no one else will ever understand – us walking contradictions dying to hold hands.
                So please consider this: if I gave it up it´s because I found something better and it has nothing to do with religious pressure. Because if God loves me just like this why shouldn´t I be willing to love Him just as He is?
                So this is not about what I am or what I´m not but the fact that I love Christ more than what I want. That classic love story in all its cheesy glory about how I finally found the One who was actually perfect for me. 


Petition: Hear the voices of those who have left the homosexual lifestyle

Figments of Reality

                So, according to many, a Christian cannot be possessed, crazy, or depressed. If you´re crazy then you have a demon and if you have a demon then you´re not a Christian – Please!
                Demons raped my mind with the voices of darkness that fill your nightmares; and that ain´t no metaphor. I´ve heard things that would make Stephen King curl up in a ball and cry. Few have truly seen when darkness comes to life. Many know the twinkle that it seems to give our lies, but few have felt it crawling inside.
               

Normal kids are afraid of the dark, but I was afraid to be alone because I knew that darkness wasn´t just when you turned out the lights but where ever and whenever my eyes were closed. You see, darkness for me had little to do with if there was or wasn´t light, but something I´d discovered to be tangled with my insides.
                A teenager terrified and don´t even know why just wishing that they could die just in order to finally find some silence. And there were people who had the nerve to tell me that I wasn´t crazy, but do you really hear sanity in the statement that there are voices in my head?
                My only two options were crazy or possessed. But then there are also people that say a Christian cannot be possessed but only oppressed – do you really think I care where they are when coming to the realization that they can talk? The constant buzzing of a bee hive that would never let me rest in peace.
              And those demons never gave a rip that I was Christian or forgiven; all they knew was that somehow some way I was ripe for the picken´. They´re not scared of you, but of Him whom you´re for, and if they can convince you that you´re not then everything becomes imagination including your God.

          
                 So don´t patronize my state of mind by debating over what it was because those of us that have seen true darkness are the ones who identify the one and only Sun, but we´re in desperate need of help to remember that darkness has not won. 

Poor Lifeguard

           How is it possible that I be this prideful? How did I convince myself that I actually gave up something? I´m surprised that I was able to be so stubborn.

I actually thought that I had rescued myself – a surviving overcomer who fully passed the test. Yet the only thing I was was a self-deceiving fool who failed to realize that by life she had been schooled. Drowning in a pool of my very own mess I was the one in need of a life vest.
                Survival float and treading water – “I can handle this,” but if I can´t I just try to become a “martyr” acting as if I was a victim of the horrible, people-eating system; but I was the idiot who jumped. No one threw me over board, even though, yes, somebody else was stupid enough to sail into a storm. 

                So, there I am nearly choking to my death and Someone walks over to offer me some help and when I get back all I talk about is how I walked upon the depths failing oh so horribly to see that Someone else was there.
                The thing is, when you´re drowning all you see is water and the lack of oxygen is the only thing you thought of. You not even capable of realizing that Someone actually saved you and when you finally come to you´ve lost sight of the Savior.