May 4, 2015
You know,
for so long I wished for you to applaud me. I wanted you to congratulate me for
having not gone crazy.
I wanted you to take everything I hated about life, put it on high, and say, “look! She managed to survive.” When in reality it´s only a miracle I didn´t die.
In fact, the only reason I didn´t kill myself is because it would not be a “noble” death, but not because I didn´t want to try.
I wanted you to take everything I hated about life, put it on high, and say, “look! She managed to survive.” When in reality it´s only a miracle I didn´t die.
In fact, the only reason I didn´t kill myself is because it would not be a “noble” death, but not because I didn´t want to try.
I didn´t want it to be my fault
everything I´d ever wrought and the only thing I ever thought was that it can´t
be right that I be innocent and still tried!
I wanted you to take away everything that had ever caused me pain by simply listening to what I had to say. I felt like I had absolutely no one to plead my tragic case.
No judge, no jury, just prosecutor, and defendant – there was absolutely no one to see that I was innocent.
Somebody was drunk, somebody was high, somebody cheated, and somebody lied; but it wasn´t me! So why was the price being paid with my life? Questions too big for the mind of a child.
Somebody yelled, somebody beat us, somebody screamed until we didn´t want to be us; but she´s not the one paying the fee – I am.
Somebody left us, somebody died, somebody made the family lay on the ground and cry; and that´s just another who laid charges on my heart.
And as I stand before you telling an already told tale and pleading and already closed case I finally realize why no one listens to the things I have to say – I´m only talking about my pain.
I wanted you to take away everything that had ever caused me pain by simply listening to what I had to say. I felt like I had absolutely no one to plead my tragic case.
No judge, no jury, just prosecutor, and defendant – there was absolutely no one to see that I was innocent.
Somebody was drunk, somebody was high, somebody cheated, and somebody lied; but it wasn´t me! So why was the price being paid with my life? Questions too big for the mind of a child.
Somebody yelled, somebody beat us, somebody screamed until we didn´t want to be us; but she´s not the one paying the fee – I am.
Somebody left us, somebody died, somebody made the family lay on the ground and cry; and that´s just another who laid charges on my heart.
And as I stand before you telling an already told tale and pleading and already closed case I finally realize why no one listens to the things I have to say – I´m only talking about my pain.
So let me try again as I no
longer beg for your undivided attention.
Let me tell you of another case that´s already been closed, yet just so happens to be a lot less told.
Yes, I was young; yes, I was innocent; and, yes, I also happened to be convicted. I just always seem to leave out the part where my sin also entered into the picture.
You see it was nobody´s fault that I watched porn, and nobody´s fault when I would masturbate behind closed doors. It was nobody´s fault that I liked sin – I even got in so deep that I started liking chicks. It wasn´t their fault that I talked to dirty-minded guys, and it wasn´t their fault that my life seemed like a lie. I would cry late at night knowing that the fault was only mine.
Then He stepped in, and took the fault on Him – Somebody was finally taking the blame for my sin.
And that simple thought nearly drove me insane for I had that blame aimed at the one´s who´d caused me pain.
I was finally ready to take the blame for what I did, take the blame for all I´d hid; but instead of me they went and killed Him.
“I didn´t do it, I didn´t put You through this; all I wanted was You to hear that my life was ruined.
“You can´t just blame me for this – I never asked You to die for my sin. All I ever wanted was Somebody to listen. What You gave up was Your decision.”
And then I began to think until my mind wanted to bleed, and my eyes no longer see because I realized how much I only think about me.
Let me tell you of another case that´s already been closed, yet just so happens to be a lot less told.
Yes, I was young; yes, I was innocent; and, yes, I also happened to be convicted. I just always seem to leave out the part where my sin also entered into the picture.
You see it was nobody´s fault that I watched porn, and nobody´s fault when I would masturbate behind closed doors. It was nobody´s fault that I liked sin – I even got in so deep that I started liking chicks. It wasn´t their fault that I talked to dirty-minded guys, and it wasn´t their fault that my life seemed like a lie. I would cry late at night knowing that the fault was only mine.
Then He stepped in, and took the fault on Him – Somebody was finally taking the blame for my sin.
And that simple thought nearly drove me insane for I had that blame aimed at the one´s who´d caused me pain.
I was finally ready to take the blame for what I did, take the blame for all I´d hid; but instead of me they went and killed Him.
“I didn´t do it, I didn´t put You through this; all I wanted was You to hear that my life was ruined.
“You can´t just blame me for this – I never asked You to die for my sin. All I ever wanted was Somebody to listen. What You gave up was Your decision.”
And then I began to think until my mind wanted to bleed, and my eyes no longer see because I realized how much I only think about me.
He told me once, “I didn´t die
because I wanted to – I died because I wanted you,” and I just couldn´t take
it. So I decided just to show you how well I could fake it.
His Father was the One who sent Him to take it, and I was unwilling to take such blame and soon began to drown in condemnation of the same. Yet He never gave up and continued dying in my name.
His Father was the One who sent Him to take it, and I was unwilling to take such blame and soon began to drown in condemnation of the same. Yet He never gave up and continued dying in my name.
It was then that I could finally
see that He had become just like me. He too had paid an unfair fee.
He was young, He was innocent, and oh so wrongly convicted of things He never did.
Somebody was proud, somebody wanted glory, somebody wanted to fake like they were living holy; but that was never Him. He was what we could call truly genuine. Yet He died all the same, and took every last shout of blame loaded with every price that I could never pay.
He was young, He was innocent, and oh so wrongly convicted of things He never did.
Somebody was proud, somebody wanted glory, somebody wanted to fake like they were living holy; but that was never Him. He was what we could call truly genuine. Yet He died all the same, and took every last shout of blame loaded with every price that I could never pay.
So don´t applaud the fact that I am not the same, but please see that as I wake every single day He is the only One that I could ever blame for such miraculous change.
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